Singers: ♪ Welcome, everyone, to Lard World ♪
♪ Lard is slippery, greasy fun ♪
♪ Rendered fat that comes from piggies ♪
♪ Welcome, welcome everyone ♪
♪ Lardee Boy is here to greet you ♪
Lardee Boy: Hi, my name is Lardee Boy.
Singers: ♪ If you play his lard-themed games ♪
♪ You're sure to win a lard-themed toy ♪
♪ Lard World! ♪
♪ (Lard World!) ♪
♪ Lard World! ♪
♪ (Lard World) ♪
♪ Welcome to Lard World ♪
♪ The Lard-themed amusement park! ♪
(Milo, Zack and Melissa cheer as they fall down a lardfall in a giant doughnut)
Milo: You know, no matter how many times I come to Lard World, I'm always surprised how much fun you can have with rendered pig fat.
Melissa: Look out; frosting.
(They are covered with frosting. Milo quickly shakes himself clean.)
Milo: Guys. I think you know, and I know, that it's time we went on the scariest lard based ride, Greased Thunder!
(Milo plays a fanfare on a trumpet. As he continues with a more jazzy tone, Zack pulls the trumpet from his mouth.)
Zack: You know thunder's a sound. How can it be greased?
Milo: The same way you grease lightning, (Whipsers) with lard.
(Zack is not convinced.)
Milo: Right, Melissa? Melissa? Melissa.
(Melissa is frozen with fear)
Melissa. Melissa. Melissa.
(Milo is revealed to have moved to right beside Melissa and is repeating her name in an echo-like voice.)
Milo: Melissa. Melissa. (Melissa hits Milo away.)
Melissa: Would you cut it out! It's nothing ok!
Zack: Ok. It just seems like you're...
Milo: Losing it big time?
Zack: Yeah. That.
Melissa: I wouldn't want you two to think any less of me.
Milo: You can tell us Melissa; you're in the trust circle. Oh well there's three of us, so it's a trust triangle.
Zack: Alliteration. Up high.
(Zack raises his hand for a high five. Milo moves his left hand but misses and hits Zack's face)
Milo: Oh I'm sorry. Let me try it with this hand.
(Zack stops his right hand.)
Zack: You know what? Let's just not... Yeah just...
Melissa: Ok, I'll tell you. I'm afraid of... rollercoasters.
Zack: ...Ok, that's actually a pretty normal thing.
Milo: But how could you be afraid of rollercoasters? I've seen you walk a tight rope over stampeding llamas. ...Powdered sugar.
(Powdered sugar billows over them. Melissa starts having a flashback.)
Melissa: (sigh) It was the first day of summer. Everything seemed normal.
Melissa: I just finished assembling a cool science project in my backyard.
(Melissa finishes a model of the solar system.)
Melissa: When suddenly...
(A rollercoaster being carried by a helicopter is dropped.)
Past Melissa: Done.
(A section of the rollercoaster falls into Melissa's backyard, completely crushing her project right next to her.)
Past Melissa: Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
(The flashback ends.)
Melissa: I used to love rollercoasters. But I didn't know they could drop from the sky and crush your dreams!
Milo:' Why were you assembling a science project on the first day of sum...?
(Zack stops Milo)
Zack: Melissa, you understand that the chances of that happening again are like... even less than it happening the first time. Lightning never strikes twice.
Melissa: Milo's been struck twice.
Milo: Both times on my birthday. ...Sprinkles.
(They are covered in giant sprinkles.)
Zack: Hey, I get it. I've got stuff I'm afraid of too.
Milo: Like what?
(Zack starts to have a flash back)
Zack: It was three years ago. My parents and I took a pontoon up the Saskatchewan River.
Zack: I was going to the worst place in the world, and I didn't even know it yet.
(The Underwoods slowly cruise down the river when a small fish jumps out of the water. Mr Underwood takes a picture of it just before it lands in front of Zack, flopping on the floor of the boat.)
Mr. Underwood: Wow.
Past Zack: A fish! Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh! Aaaaaah! Aaaaah!
(Zack freaks out and eventually jumps off the boat in terror)'
Mr. Underwood: Son, you shouldn't get out of the boat.
Zack: Never get out of the boat. Absolutely right.
(The flashback ends)
Milo: You know, Chinese finger traps still terrify me.
(Melissa points to the Chinese finger trap on his finger)
Melissa: How long has that been on your finger?
(Milo tries to get rid of it and then quickly jumps out of the doughnut)
Milo: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah!
Melissa: Milo. You're not supposed to get out of the doughnut.
Milo: (Narrating will his present self continues screaming) Never get out of the doughnut. Absolutely right. (Unbeknownst to everyone, Diogee pops up from where Milo previously was In the ride.)
Henry: Here you go.
(Henry hands Jemma a bag of pistachios)
Henry: One bag of pistachios. You'll have to shell them yourself, which makes it the perfect theme park snack,
Henry: especially for the guy who has to weep up around here. And incidentally, that's also me.
(Wit a flash Cavendish and Dakota approach Henry. Cavendish taps him on the shoulder to get his attention)
Cavendish: Good afternoos Mr... (He checks Henry's name badge) Henry. We are inspecting all of the pistachio stands in the area to make sure they meet strict governmental safety guidelines. For instance is this particular stand fireproof?
(Cavendish inspects the pistachio stand)
Cavendish: Or can it withstand an attack by a barnyard animal. Pig for instance.
Dakota: Or both. What if a flaming pig attacked?
Cavendish: Yes. Could this cart withstand the onslaught of a flaming pig? Hm! I don't think so!
Dakota: I do not think so.
Henry: You're not serious. There's no way a flaming pig could...
Dakota: Listen kid. Corporate sent us to protect these nuts so back off and let us do our job, ok?
Henry: I didn't even know there was a corporate.
Dakota: (Whispers) There's always a corporate.
Zack: Come on Melissa, face your fear.
Milo: We could help. We'll be right there with you. Every wild turn and plummeting drop and gut wrenching loop.
(Melissa covers Milo's mouth)
Melissa: The over describing is helping.
Milo: (Garbled) Ok, look. (Melissa moves her hand) If you do it Melissa, I'll face my fear too. (Milo notices the finger trap still on his finger) Hugh! (He closes his eyes as he hides his hand behind his back)
Melissa: Really? Ok. We'll both face our fears. (Milo and Melissa fist bump) What about Zack though?
Milo: Zack, you're off the hook due to a general lack of fish in the area.
Zack: Right, a shame I can't face my fears too. (quietly to the side) Yes!
Melissa: I saw that.
Milo: Come on Melissa, we'll start by just looking at the ride.
(A woodpecker lands on Milo's head and starts pecking him)
Milo: Yah! That's not wood you pesky picidae.
Melissa: Well that was weird.
Milo: To be fair, from above my head does look like mahogany.
(The woodpecker leaves and lands on the lever connected to the giant lard dunking bucket. It starts pecking at the lever and the round counterweight breaks off. It rolls past Henry who's unphased by it and continues talking on his phone.)
Henry: Hm? So what're you doing tonight?
(Cavendish is constructing a protective frame around the pistachio stand)
Cavendish: You know this is a lot of work for one person. Could you do something!
Dakota: I could, and I am, I'm eating pistachios. And now I'm playing the harmonica.
(Dakota plays the harmonica as Cavendish seethes with frustration. Dakota stops and starts picking at the harmonica.)
Dakota: Oh, great now it's clogged.
(They hear the giant counterweight boulder rolling towards the pistachio stand)
Cavendish: Good heavens! I better hurry. Just one more bolt.
(Cavendish frantically fumbles with the last bolt. He quickly starts screwing it in as the boulder nears)
Cavendish: Oh, confound it! Come on!
Dakota: Hey, you might want to hurry up with that.
Cavendish: Come on come on come... Ugh!
(The boulder flattens Cavendish against the frame. It rolls away with the pistachio stand unharmed. Cavendish falls to the ground.)
Dakota: If you're still alive could we go home now?
Cavendish: Negative. The window of probability is still open.
Dakota: Cool. It will give me time to practice the theremin.
(Dakota unpacks a theremin and starts playing it)
Melissa: You know, you're right. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
(The boulder smashes thought some stalls behind them)
Melissa: I want to beat this.
Milo and Zack: Thunder. Thunder!
Milo, Zack and Melissa: Thunder! Thunder!
(Melissa whimpers as she looks up at the rollercoaster looming before her)
Milo and Zack: Thunder! Thunder!
(Melissa starts to slowly back away)
Milo: Kudos Melissa. The fact that you are willing to face your fear is a tribute to your character.
(Melissa runs for it and Milo and Zack run after her)
Milo: You are the embodiment of strength, of will...
(Milo and Zack drag a petrified Melissa back to the rollercoaster)
Milo: And an inspiration to everyone. Your intestinal fortitude is truly impressive.
(Zack and Milo put her into a rollercoaster cart and Zack sits beside her)
Zack: Milo's right. We're both proud of you Melissa.
(Milo gets in behind her)
Milo: You're like the Joan of Arc of theme parks.
Melissa: Wasn't Joan of Arc burnt at the stake?
Milo: She was.
Zack: She wasn't afraid of rollercoasters though.
Milo: She was not.
Melissa: Oh, ok. I guess that's reassuring.
Milo: Just relax and enjoy the ride.
Melissa: Yeah, safe, yeah. We'll be safe. I mean what could possibly go wrong?
Milo: Hey look. The safety railing came loose. Just like last time.
Melissa: Zack! We're on a rollercoaster with Milo!
Melissa: I said! We're on a rollercoaster with...!
(Melissa points back towards Milo and her finger gets stuck in the other end of the Chinese finger trap on Milo's finger)
Milo: See this? This is what freaks me out!
(Zack gets out of the rollercoster)
Zack: You're right Melissa. This was a bad idea. I don't know what I was...
(The staff member controlling the rollercoaster distractedly throws the lever and the rollercoaster with Melissa and Milo is released down the lard covered track)
Zack: ...Maybe I shouldn't be here when she gets back.
(The rollercoaster cart is hoisted up an ever increasing slope)
Milo: Don't worry Melissa. If I can do it you can do it. I mean Zack's right. It's perfectly safe. Or as safe as can be expected given the height and the speed and Murphy's Law. [Alright], I'll stop talking now.
(They reach the top of the first drop)
Milo: Oh look, the top of a plane. Here we...
(A Wilhelm scream plays as they fall screaming. The slide around many loops of track. Melissa screams as the rollercoaster races on and Milo screams at the Chinese finger trap sticking them together. They pass along a bumpy section of bacon shaped track just before passing into a giant heart where a model surgeon electrocutes the track behind them. They pass into another tunnel but don't emerge.)
Milo: Uh, clogged artery. Wait for it...
(They continue on their way, whizzing around tight corners)
Melissa: Aaaaahhh! Oh my lard!
(They pass through a lard fall which knocks a large glob of lard onto a nearby ride. The ride's machinery is effected, causing it to accelerate to speeds where all the empty animal themed riding pods break off and fly away. A goat pod lands in a lard bucket Ferris Wheel.)
Lardee Boy: Hi, my name is... Ohow!
(A cow shaped pod runs into Lardee boy, knocking the costume's head off into the sign marked 'watch your head' on Grease Thunder and then lands on the track. A pig shaped pod flies through a giant flaming torch labelled 'Greece Fire' and catches fire. It strikes and bounces off the protective frame around the pistachio stand and destroys the popcorn stand nearby.)
Cavendish: There, you see, flaming pig.
Henry: I don't understand this at all. Mea culpa. So sorry. You were a zillion percent right.
Cavendish: Mission completed. Initiate disengagement protocol.
Dakota: Roger that. ...What?
Cavendish: Um, take down the ting.
Dakota: Oh. Hold my clarinet.
(Dakota hands his clarinet to the dumbstruck Henry)
Melissa: Wooah! Oh my lard!
(Melissa sees the head of Lardee Boy in their way. They hit it, lunching the head into space and sending them flying high into the air)
Melissa: I know, facing your fears is scary Milo, but right now I need your fear to face mine.
(Melissa reaches around to Milo's backpack and pulls open his parachute. The parachute pulls up Milo which holds up Melissa and the rollercoaster cart with the finger trap.)
Milo: Oh, it worked.
(They land back on the rollercoaster track)
Melissa: Oh, thank goodness that's over.
Milo: I don't know Melissa. This looks like the beginning of the ride. Look, see there's the top of that plane again. Hi plane.
Melissa: We're going through that same thing... again?
(Milo looks down and sees the counterweight roll through the supports of the track bellow them)
Milo: No I think this time it'll be a little different.
Melissa: What's that supposed to mean?
(They scream as they fall down the first drop again with screws and nuts flying behind them. Sections of the track collapse as they pass. The bumpy bacon looking section of the track flies off and lands on top of an egg and fry pan themed ride. The entire rollercoaster collapses as they reach the exit. The rollercoaster controller pulls the stop lever as he looks down at a book and reads aloud.)
Rollercoaster Worker: Ahem. We hop you enjoyed Greased Thunder. Uh, you can pick up your lard cam photos at er...
(He looks up to see Milo and Melissa frozen with shock. Their cart then sinks into the lard.)
Rollercoaster Worker: ... Nevermind.
(Milo pulls a bit at the Chinese finger trap unsuccessfully. Melissa reaches up, compresses it and pulls off the finger trap, handing it back to Milo.)
Milo: Oh! That's how they work. Ha! Now that I know your secret you are no longer a threat to me. I wonder where Lardee Boy's head went?
(Lardee Boy's head floats majestically above the Earth, until it is run over by some aliens)
Alien: "Did we just hit Lardee Boy's head?"
(The other alien shrugs)
(Dakota and Cavendish take away the final pieces of protective gear from the pistachio stand)
Cavendish: It looks like we've done a bang up job.
(Lardee Boy's head smashes into the ruins of the popcorn stand, catapulting the flaming pig into the pistachio stand)
Cavendish: ...Dakota. Play me out.
(Dakota clicks his fingers and Henry hands back his clarinet while he grabs a banjo for himself. They then play as Cavendish walks off. The goat in the Ferris Wheel flies off and lands on a wheel barrow full of newly bought gold fish).
Customer: My wheelbarrow full of fish!
Goldfish seller: All sales are final.
(Melissa, Milo, and Zack get on their bikes outside Lard World)
Melissa: Thanks guys. After that, no rollercoaster's ever going to scare this girl again.
Zack: Yep, nothing's going to scare us anymore.
(A goldfish in a plastic bag bounces off Zack. Zack glances at it and throws his bike away as he screams in terror.)
Zack: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! They're even scarier in bags!