Brigette: Alright! Everybody go before we leave!
Sara: Wait, how can we go before we leave? (Gasp) Unless it's time travel.
Martin: Okay. Sara's ready for vacation.
Brigette: And the spare tire is?
Martin: Also ready for vacation?
Brigette: I meant where is it?
Martin: On the back of the RV.
Brigette: No. I mean the spare spare.
Martin: Oh, underneath all the stuff we just packed.
Brigette: And the spare spare spare?
Martin: Under the spare spare.
Milo: And my seat cushion doubles as a flotation device and a spare spare spare, spare.
Brigette: I'd say that's overkill, but I'd be wrong.
Zack: Have fun, Milo. We don't have to go, right?
Melissa: Nope. We're keeping an eye on Diogee.
Milo: Stay home Diogee. (Diogee sits) That was easy.
Zack: Where you headed?
Milo: Nowhere in particular.
Zack: Wait, you're going on vacation but you don't know where?
Milo: We used to plan, bit it never worked out. So now, we just go with the flow.
(Milo hands a book titled 'Murphy Vacations' to Melissa)
Melissa: For generations Murphy family vacations have been historic.
(Mellissa opens the book and hands it to Zack)
Zack: San Francisco earthquake. The Titanic. Hindenburg. Mt Vesuvius!
Melissa: Well, to be fair, no one ever talks about the quiet volcanoes.
Milo: That's the funny thing about vacation. It's like my dad always says...
Martin: Nope. I'm not always saying anything today, I'm on vacation.
(The Murphys pull out of their drive away and everything they packed on top of the RV comes loose and falls on the road. The Murphys quickly stop and get out to pack it all again)
Brigette, Sara, Milo, Martin: ♪ Well we don't know where we're going, and we got no ETA ♪
♪ No itinerary, compass, map, or scheduled agenda, but at least we're on our way ♪
♪ We got a minifridge filled with electrolytes for when we feel the need to replenish ♪
♪ And a funky foreign second hand GPS that only speaks to us in Flemish ♪
♪ Whooo-o-o-ow it's the Murphy family vacation ♪
♪ Delays can be expected even in the best of weather ♪
♪ Whooo-o-o-ow the journey is the destination ♪
♪ We can handle complications, as long as we're together! ♪
♪ So let's hit the road! ♪
(The Murphys stop at Big Spider GAS to get gas. Milo leaves the RV.)
Milo: I knew I should have gone before I left.
(Milo enters a restroom. Martin gets back into the RV)
Martin: Alright, RV's all gassed up. What'd you say we get some snacks?
(Martin drives the RV into a spot closer to Snack-mart and a different RV drives into the original spot at the gas station. Milo comes out of the restroom with his head in a comic and blindly walks into the new RV, which then leaves shortly after. The Murphy's RV then leaves in a different direction.)
Martin: ♪ ...It's the Murphy family vacation. Whoo-o-o-ow. It's the Murphy family vacation. ♪ Sara, can you get me a soda from the fridge?
Sara: I'm busy. Milo...? (Sara looks up to find Milo's seat empty) Uhh, Mom. Dad.
Brigette: Where's Milo?
Sara: I don't think we packed a spare one of those.
(Milo's seat cushion inflates into a tire, startling Sara)
(Milo sits calmly between Charlene and Sharon in the Brulee's RV)
Mr. Brulee: Everybody go before we left?
Milo: You bet, dad.
(Charlene and Sharon look up at Milo with worry and shock)
Mr. Brulee: Excellent,son. (Mrs. and Mr. Brulee freak out and the RV swerves a little on the road) Whoow! I don't have a son!
(Milo looks at the people around him and then down at his seat)
Milo: Oh my gosh. This seat isn't a floatation device.
(The Brulees have pulled over and Milo is on the phone with his family)
Milo: Ok, I'll see you soon. (Milo hangs up) We're going to met my family at Boulder City, Mr. Brulee.
Brulee Twin #1: How are you not freaking out right now?
Milo: Not my first rodeo.
Brulee Twin #1: Ooo, he's been to the rodeo?
Brulee Twin #2: How exotic.
(They all return to the RV and head off)
Mr. Brulee: Ok, Boulder City, then right back on track to the Grand Canyon.
Brulee Twin #1: Again.
Brulee Twin #2: Eye roll.
Mrs. Brulee: Charlene, Sharon, jar.
(The Brulee twins put a bill in a jar labelled 'eye roll')
Mr. Brulee: Come on girls, it's your favourite canyon. It's everyone's favourite canyon.
Milo: It's certainly my favourite canyon.
Brulee Twin #2: It's just that we go every year.
Mrs. Brulee: (Lovingly) Every year.
Brulee Twin #2: It's a lot of canyon.
Mr. Brulee: And it's going to be grand.
Charlene and Sharon: Jar!
(Mr. Brulee puts some money into a jar labelled 'unnecessary use of "grand"')
Mr. Brulee: So long as there's no further interruptions.
Milo: Sometimes the interruptions are half the fun. (The engine starts making noises) and sometimes they're mind bogglingly terrifying. I can't wait to see which one this is.
(Mr. Brulee opens the engine)
Mr. Brulee: Dead alternator.
Milo: That's ok, I've got a spare.
Brulee Twin #2: You carry around a spare alternator?
Milo: Yeah, I'm glad you guys needed one 'cause it was heavy. Hey look! It's Horseface the Equestrian Barbarian!
Chorus: ♪ Horseface the Equestrain Barbarian! ♪
Mrs. Brulee: How did we not see that? I mean it's huge!
Brulee Twin #1: Now there's something you don't see all the time. Dad, can we go look at it?
Mr. Brulee: I'm sorry identical apples of my eye, we got a schedule to keep. I mean what if we liked it and wanted to stay longer; the whole vacation would unravel! Come on gang! The canyon's waiting impatiently for our arrival!
Brulee Twin: Jar.
(Mr. Brulee puts one dollar into a jar labelled 'anthropamorphisizing national monuments')
(The Murphy's RV's engine is completely broken)
Martin: Sorry gang. Murphy's Law. My bad. (Sigh) we better call Milo with a change of plans.
Chorus: ♪ Horseface the Equestrian Barbarian! ♪
(The Brulee's wait in the RV as Milo talks on the phone)
Milo: Ok. (Milo hangs up) Well. Looks like we'll have to rendezvous at the state line.
Mr. Brulee: Ok! We can still make the Grand Canyon if we hurry. (They start driving) No stopping for bathroom breaks or food or any other human necessities. (Milo, Charlene and Sharon look out the window)
Milo: And on your left you can see.
Charlene and Sharon: (Gasp)
Milo: Nope, you missed it.
Charlene and Sharon: Awww.
Milo: And back there was...
Charlene and Sharon: (Gasp)
Milo: Ugh... There it was.
Charlene and Sharon: Awww!
Milo: Er, it's gone now. Oh and...
Charlene and Sharon: (Gasp)
Milo: and there's Lard World with Lardee Boy out front.
Charlene and Sharon: Ahhhh.
Milo: Sharing his signature brand of enthusiasm.
Brulee Twin #2: Lardee Boy? Cool.
(They pass by and reach the state line)
Mr. Brulee: State line. Here we are.
(Mr. Brulee applies the breaks but the RV doesn't slow down and passes by the exit)
Milo: And there we go.
(Mr. Brulee tries the breaks again)
Mr. Brulee: The breaks!
(They all scream as they approach the stationary traffic ahead of them)
Mr. Brulee: I can't break the break, the break that broke!
Mrs. Brulee: Jar!
(Mr. Brulee throws a coin into a jar labelled 'unnecessary wordplay during crisis'. He then swerves into a lane blocked by traffic cones to avoid the traffic)
Mrs. Brulee: Aaaaaah!
Charlene and Sharon: Aaaaaaah!
Mr. Brulee: Aaaaaaah!
(Melissa and Zack relax in beach chairs in Milo's backyard)
Melissa and Zack: Aahhhhh.
Mr. Brulee: Aaah!
Charlene and Sharon: Aaah!
Mrs. Brulee: Aaah!
Mr. Brulee: Aaaaaaaah!
(They drive through a sign saying 'exit ramp closed'. The RV flies off the end of an unfinished overpass as they all scream. They land on the back of the empty car truck that has crashed on the highway and drive down the ramp on it's back)
Milo: Ok, since we kind of missed that stop,, my folks say they'll met us at Road Side Attraction Highway.
Brulee Twin #1: You're so calm.
Brulee Twin #2: He's so calm.
Charlene and Sharon: Are all your vacations like this?
Milo: Well, not exactly like this. But, reminiscent. Like when we got stuck in a shark cage...
Brulee Twin #2: Stop it.
Milo: ...In the Andes...
Brulee Twin #1: Shut up.
Milo: ...During a tidal wave.
Brulee Twin #2: He's so dangerous...
Brulee Twin #1: ...In a sweeter vest.
Mr. Brulee: Why is this happening? I pay my taxes, I mow my lawn, I don't even change the radio station when the commercials come on because I feel guilty making their money go to waste. Why is this happening to me!
Milo: It's probably Murphy's Law, it does tend to keep you on your toes. Just turn into the skid, we'll be fine. Here it is, Road Side Attraction Highway. We can met up with my folks.
Mr. Brulee: But we don't have any way of stopping!
Milo: [Away it goes]. Change of plans.
Brulee Twin: I told you. He's so calm.
Milo: Look the just off center of the United States.
(The RV serves into the sign and then across the road, smashing into a pistachio shop as it passes)
Cavendish: I blame you.
Dakota: Really. What could I have possibly done to avoid that?
Cavendish: It's just that attitude.
Milo: Oh and here's my favourite up here. Hamosaur: a dinosaur made entirely out of ham. Except for his claws, which are bacon.
(The Brulee's scream as the broken back bumper bar of their RV catches Hamosaur and pulls him behind them as they continue swerving done the road)
Mr. Brulee: I'm being chased by Jurassic pork!
Milo: Um, Mr Brulee. You might want to...
(They drive into the Grand Canyon)
Milo: Never mind.
(They land in the Colorado river)
(The Murphy's RV drives past the pistachio shop)
Brigitte: Destruction looks fresh. Milo must be close.
Martin: We should catch up to him any... (The RV is lifted into the air by a helicopter) second? Well this is unexpected, even for us.
Sara: (Sara types into her phone) Milo, change of plans.
(In the helicopter a Man In Black looks down at what they are lifting)
Man In Black: An RV? We're supposed to be abducting cows.
Lieutenant: Disintegrator ray sir?
Man In Black: You know it's not the answer to everything just because it's the closest button.
Milo: Oh, here's a text from Sara. Change of plans. We're right behind you? I don't see any... (The Murphy's RV lands in the river behind them) Oh there they are.
(The helicopter flies past them)
Mr. and Mrs. Brulee: Aaaaah!
Charlene and Sharon: Yeah!
(Melissa and Zack are resting on floating platforMrs on a pool)
Melissa: Huh, have you seen Diogee lately?
(Diogee runs past all the places the Murphy's past through)
Charlene and Sharon:' Yeah!
Mr. and Mrs. Brulee: Aaaaah!
Mr. Brulee: We're going to die!
Milo: Only eventually.
Brulee Twin #2: We're having the kind of vacation no one in our family could have imagined!
Mr. Brulee: But we're losing precious time that could be spent standing and staring at a massive crevasse... I just heard myself.
Brulee Twin #1: But we saw Horseface the Barbarian, and Lard World, and an unmarked helicopter.
Milo: That's what I love about vacations, going with the flow.
Mr. Brulee: Guess going with the flow makes me really tense.
(A lizard on the Cliffside jumps on a round rock that rolls down the canyon and knocks a large slab of rock into the river. It creates a large wave of water that pushes the two RV's and Hamosaur.)
Charlene and Sharon: Yeah!
(Brigitte, Sara, and Martin put on their life vests)
Milo: We seem to be sinking. Everyone up on the roof! Here we go.
(The Brulees and Milo get onto the roof as it starts raining)
Mr. Brulee: Definitely not on the itinerary.
Martin: Ahoy Milo. And you must be the Brulees.
Mr. Brulee: You must be nuts! How can you be so calm? We are driving down a raging river pulling a dinosaur made of ham!
Martin: And isn't it a great day for it?
(Hamosaur gets caught by a rock and pulled from the Brulee's RV)
Carlene and Sharon: Oh no! Hamosaur!
(Hamosaur slowly sinks into the river)
Brulee Twin #1: Two minutes ago I didn't even know he existed. And now my life feels empty without him.
(They all look down the river and find they are heading for many large rocks)
(Milo looks to shore and finds Diogee running along side them)
Milo: Diogee. (Milo reaches into his backpack) Spare spare spare spare. (Milo pulls out an inner tube with a rope tied to it and a the comic book he was reading earlier. He ties the rope around the comic and throws it to shore) Diogee, fetch!
(Diogee grabs the comic while Milo puts the inner tube around himself)
Milo: Grab a hold everyone.
(The Brulee's and then the rest of the Murphy's grab a section of the inner tube as their RV's sink beneath them. Diogee ties the rope to a large boulder that he then sends down the bank into the river with a dead tree acting as a pulley. Everyone hanging onto the inner tube is pulled from the water and Milo walks over to pat Diogee.)
Milo: good dog, Diogee!
Mr.Brulee: How did he do that?
Milo: He's the greatest dog in the world.
Charlene and Sharon: We've never had our own action sequence before! (They hug their parents) Best vacation ever!
Brigitte: Thank you for looking after Milo. I'm so sorry...
Mrs. Brulee: That was thrilling! Who knew vacations could be so... exciting!
Mr. Brulee: I guess Milo showed us there's more to vacations than the Grand Canyon.
Brigette: That's my boy.
Milo: It's like my dad always says. Family vacations are the only trip you take where you go away to get closer to what you already have.
(Milo puts a dollar into a jar marked 'sappy sentiment')