Melissa: I love the Scholastic Decathlon. It's the only event where knowing the blood type of all the presidents doesn't make me a freak, it makes me an athlete.
Zack: And I love the Athletic Decathlon because, you know, I'm an actual athlete who doesn't know the blood type of presidents.
Milo: Athledecamathalon? What is that?
Mort: Well, "athle" means sports, but then "math" (Mort acts out his head exploding) mind blown, man.
Milo: Let's ask Mr. Draco.
Chad: Mr. Drako is a... (Chad checks that no one is listening) vampir.
Melissa: Chad, he's not a vampire.
Chad: No. Vampir.
Milo: He just has a widows' peek.
Zack: And he's pale.
Milo: And he has that accent.
Chad: And we've never seen his reflection in the mirror.
Melissa: I've never seen your reflection in a mirror, Chad.
Chad: Oh no. I'm a Vampire! (screams) (Chad runs off but stops to carefully walk around the light coming though a window) (continues screaming)
(The door opens to Mr. Drako’s dark classroom and Mr Drako hovers towards the students. The lights abruptly turn on.)
Mr. Drako: Hello, children.
(The students look down to see he’s standing on a self-balancing scooter. The students follow him into the classroom.)
Mort: Psst, Chad was right, he has all his mirrors covered.
Melissa: He's not a vampire. Mr. Drako, Why do you have all your mirrors covered?
Mr. Drako: Oh those aren't mirrors. They're pictures of my ex-wife. (He grabs the sheet off one) Stop looking at me Agnes!
Melissa: Why don't you just take them down?
Mr. Drako: Then where would I hang my sheets?
Milo: Um. We wanted to find out about this Athledecamathalon.
Mr. Drako: Funny story. (Drako closes the blinds as he moves around the classroom) The school district wasted a lot of money buying that yacht.
(The SS Indulgence is shown with lots of dollar signs)
Mr. Drako: So now we have to combine your Scholastic and Athletic Decathlons into one event, which shouldn't be a problem if you're great at all sports and all academics.
Mort: No fair. Who's good at academics and sports?
Milo: Abraham Lincoln.
Melissa: Blood type A.
(Brigette and Martin walk through the school and are confronted by Principal Milder)
Principal Milder: Mr and Mrs Murphy! Is this a legal, medical, or state emergency level problem?
Martin: No, no, nothing like that. Milo just forgot his lunch, and his body armour. (Martin hands the items to Principle Milder)
Principal Milder: Thought he looked lighter today.
(Principal Milder falls over with the weight of the body armour as the Murphys walk away)
Martin: Ah, memories.
Principal Milder: Little help?
Martin: You know they put in those reinforced steel beams because of me, and these unbreakable windows. Hey, I wonder if they’ve still got my old trophy around here.
Brigette: You never told me you won a trophy!
Martin: I don’t like to brag.
(Martin flashes back to a soccer field)
Rock band: ♪ You’re the best remaining ♪
♪ When everyone better’s been eliminated ♪
(The soccer ball knocks a sprinkler up which the player with the ball trips on. Two players that try to get the ball run into each other. One of which falls and destroys the drinks table.)
♪ If you happen to be in the right place, at the right time ♪
(The water dispenser is catapulted onto the field and knocks out three players)
♪ Remember you’re training ♪
(Another player takes a shot with the ball at the goals next to Martin. It bounces off the goal post, knocks out the goalie, and rebounds off the goal post.)
♪ ‘Cause you may be the best ♪
(the ball reflects back and knocks out the player who kicked it. It then knocks out another player who falls on another player and kicks the ball as he falls. The ball knocks out the only other player near the goals and the ball rolls in front of Martin.)
♪ You may be the best remaining ♪
(Martin nudges the ball into the goals. The referee blows his whistle and Martin’s team scores the first goal of the game with fives seconds remaining. The flashback ends.)
Brigette: So tell me again why there was a rock band on the field?
Martin: Eh, it was the 80s.
(Martin walks away from a water fountain that then breaks and overflows. A student slips and knocks over most of the other students in the hall)
(Chad, Mort, Melissa, Zack, and Milo walk towards the athletics field)
Mort: You know. I’m starting to think Mr. Drako really is a vampire.
Melissa: How can he be a vampire? He’s outside, in the daylight.
Mort: With an umbrella hat and a huge amount of sunscreen.
(They reach Mr. Drako)
Mr. Drako: You can’t be too careful about the sun.
Zack: Mr. Drako, Combining these two events just makes it harder on everyone.
Mr. Drako: Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure the other team is just as unprepared as you are.
(They look across the field and see the opposing team)
Milo: It’s the Middlemen from Middletown Middle School.
Middlemen: 3 . 1 4 1 5 10. (The middlemen form a pyramid. The top two competitors jump off next to two high white boards) That’s almost pi for the middlemen. (As they pass the white boards they write down two mathematical representations of pi and the remaining competitors now form the letter pi) Ha!
Wendy: You are going down, Geckos!
Melissa: What do you know? Your mascot is a guy in a suit.
Wendy: Our mascot is Murray the Middleman, who buys products from wholesalers and then sells them to retailers at a hefty profit!
Milo: Actually that sounds kind of impressive.
Melissa: Mr. Drako! They’re totally prepared! How is that possible?
Mr. Drako: Well... the Athledecemathalon was announced three months ago.
Zack: You’ve known about this for three months and you didn’t tell us?!
Mr. Drako: I didn’t want you to be freaking out, like you obviously are. And you just found out about it just now. Imagine what you’d’ve been like if you’d known about it for all this time.
Milo: He has a point, you do look kind of stressed out.
Mort: Why don’t you channel that anger to help you.
Melissa: You mean like this?
(Melissa steps up to the shot put and channels her emotion into picking up the shot put and throwing it with all her strength. It falls flat a metre away)
Melissa: (grunts) O negative. William Henry Harrison and James Garfield. Boom!
(The two teams line up at the start of the running track)
Chorus: ♪ Athledecamathalon ♪
(Mr. Drako fires the starting gun)
♪ We base our self-esteem upon ♪
(The Middlemen write equations on a long whiteboard as they jump over hurdles)
♪ Our intellectual clarity and physical dexterity ♪
(The Geckos write equations on their whiteboard but Zack trips on a hurdle and they all fall on top of each other)
♪ The Athledecamathalon! ♪
(Visitors 1, Geckos 0)
♪ You may be a prodigy at javelin ♪
(Mr. Drako uncovers a board with flags from Canada, South Africa, and Japan)
♪ And you shotput better than the best ♪
(Three Middlemen throw their javelins and strike the named countries on a large map of the world)
♪ But if you don’t know your calculus ♪
♪ And comprehend the syllabus ♪
(Zack, Chad, and Milo are given Australia, U.S.A., and Italy)
♪ It’s doubtful that you'll ever pass this test ♪
(One javelin knocks over the board with the map and the others continue flying until they hit Mr. Drako's car)
♪ Athledecamathalon ♪
♪ Yes Athledecamathalon ♪
(Visitors 3, Geckos -1)
♪ It’s brains but it is also brawn ♪
(Melissa puts on safety goggles and starts running towards the long jump)
♪ It’s both you must rely upon ♪
(Melissa jumps into the sand and quickly gets up and moves to a table with chemicals on it. A sign says "mix to create:" with a picture of a complex molecule. Melissa mixes some of the chemicals in a beaker which fizzes over.)
♪ In the Athledecamathalon ♪
(Mort lands heavily on the sand and the table falls over and spills all the chemicals on the sand. Giant and very sharp crystals grow beneath Mort.)
(Visitors 12, Geckos 2)
Martin: That trophy has to be here somewhere. I mean I was a legend.
Brigette: Honey, You don’t have to show me the trophy. I believe you won the game. Now can we go home?
Martin: Oh, look.
(The look at a trophy cabinet)
Brigette: I don’t see your name anywhere.
Martin: Oh. Maybe it’s behind one of these big ones.
(Martin trys to open the cabinet but the glass door sticks. Suddenly it opens and he flings the glass door open as he falls to the floor. The trophies and the shattered glass fall on top of him)
Martin: Whoa! Hey! I got it! (Martin holds up a trophy with a model of a soccer ball on it) No. "Best ceramic statue of a soccer ball 2013". They give trophies for anything nowadays.
Brigette: Huh. Imagine?
Martin: I don’t have to, I’m holding it.
(Milo is jumping up and down with a skipping rope)
Mr. Drako: Ok, Milo, you have five seconds to name five famous disasters. And… go!
Milo: Vesuvius, Chicago fire, Dinosaur asteroid, Titanic, and um... uh... Your haircut?
Mr. Drako: Ooooo, Meow. But I’ll accept the answer.
Mort, Melissa, and Zack: Yeah!
Mr. Drako: Now for the physical portion of your challenge. Throw this round thing really far.
(Mr. Drako hands Milo a discus and Milo throws it. The discus hits the football goal posts, which break and fall over, knocking over a line of hurdles.)
(The hurdles knock over a whiteboard that knock over a light pole)
(The light destroys the seats)
Milo: Oh, there yep.
(A bigger light post behind the seats falls over and knocks another big light post over)
Milo: That’s probably my bad. Oh, Oh.
(The lights fall on a trolley with athletic equipment in it and sends some javelins and discuses flying)
Milo: Mmm, that can happen. Yeah.
(Along with a telephone pole, a wall, and a window, the javelins skewer a gas pipe)
Milo: ...and that's gonna leave a mess.
(The gas pipe bursts out of the ground at regular intervals)
Milo: Wow, look out! Oh! Heads up.
(A section of the gas pipe ruptures near a fallen light which lets off a spark)
Milo: Ok, Heads up. ...and here comes the fire. Yep, Yep.
(The gas pipe ignites and a line of fire, thick black smoke, and explosions bisect the oval. Large holes and cracks in the ground are created, some out of witch water sprays. Most of the remaining structures and equipment are broken and fall over.)
Wendy: You can’t possibly expect us to continue!
Mr. Drako: Mmm I can live with this. Play on!
Melissa: Alright, everyone in favour of giving up, give me five dollars and walk off the field.
Zack: What’s the five dollars for?
Melissa: You gonna ask questions or you gonna walk?
(Zack, Mort, and Chad search their pockets for five dollars)
Milo: No, everybody wait. Don’t you see? Before we were playing on an uneven playing field. It was physically even but it was figuratively uneven because the middlemen had time to practice and we didn’t. But now the field is literally uneven which makes it figuratively even for us because I’ve spent my entire life learning to deal with things that are uneven, physically! None of these guys have had to deal with Murphy’s Law. I have! Which means that we have! Are you with me?
Mort: I didn’t really get all that but you look really confident, so I’m willing to give it a try.
Melissa: Lets do this.
Chad: Am I getting my five bucks back?
Melissa: Oh we’ll see how you do.
Mr. Drako: Ok, the next and final event, the four hundred by four hundred dash. You all have to run across this four hundred yard field and answer questions on these four hundred tablet computers.
(On one of the tablets) Who was the first prime minister of Canada?
Whoever crosses the finish line first wins the game for their team.
Melissa: Wait a minute. You had enough money for all that but you couldn’t afford two separate events?
Mr. Drako: Funny story, for another time. Go!
(Mr. Drako fires the starting gun and the middlemen run off)
Milo: Everyone, follow me.
(They all answer their first questions)
Milo: Leaky water main. Veer left.
(While the Geckos jump over the pipe one of the Middlemen is blown away by a sudden gush of water. Milo stops the Geckos while another jet of water moves across their path and then leads them forward. A member of the Middlemen trips and falls over just before they all answer their second question. Milo stops the Geckos as they approach unstable ground and jumps over it. The first Middlemen steps on it and the ground beneath them and Mort collapses. Mort desperately clutches at the edge of the chasm.)
(Zack stops Chad from going to him)
Zack: No, the ground is to unstable.
Mort: Fly you fools!
Chad: Noooooooo, (Mort stands up and they see that the hole is just as deep as Mort is tall) you’re ok.
(The last two Middlemen jump over the gap)
Mort: Don’t worry about me, go beat those guys.
(They all answer a few more questions as the field continues to break apart around them)
Milo: Incoming, two o’clock. Duck and cover.
(The Geckos jump into a ditch as a pole rolls over them)
Chad: Guys, I lost my shoe. You’re going to have to go on without me.
Melissa: You’re definitely not getting your five dollars back.
(Martin and Brigette finish putting the trophies back and fixing the glass)
Martin: Well, if you can’t see the trophy, you’re going to see the player that earned it.
Brigette: Oh honey, that’s not really nece... (Martin takes the ceramic soccer ball off the trophy and puts it on the ground) ...And here we go.
Martin: And Murphy’s intercepted the ball. He runs down the field and no one can stop him. This my be the best soccer playing that I’ve seen from a human being or even from some kind of soccer playing robot and Murphy shoots and he s... (Martin kicks the statue and it breaks through a window. Sounds of disaster are heard from outside.) And that’s going to be expensive.
Melissa: Ok, we have to win this now for Zack. Poor poor Zack.
(Zack is strung up in a soccer goal next to a hot dog trolley in a tree with a hotdog in one hand and fending off seagulls with his other)
Zack: I’m fine. Just win this thing already.
(As they run on from the third last set of questions one of the Middlemen slips over and Melissa trips on a hurdle. A man hole opens in front of Melissa and Scott emerges.)
Scott: I have returned to the above world to witness this competition but... I must admit I was expecting two separate events. One scholastic, one athletic.
Melissa: I know, right?
(After Milo and Wendy answer their second last questions a basketball ring on top of a fence falls in their path. Milo climbs the basketball post and Wendy slides under the fence. Milo pauses at the top of the post and licks his finger.)
(Milo moves back down the post as a backstop falls on the far end, imprisoning Wendy and catapulting Milo forward)
Mr. Drako: And Murphy runs down the field and nothing can stop him. This my be the best athledecamathalon playing that I’ve ever seen from a human being, or even from some kind of athledecamathalon playing robot.
(Milo approaches the last tablet)
Mr. Drako: (On the last tablet) What is president James Garfield’s blood type?
Milo: Oh wait, I know this.
(Milo flashes back to class)
Teacher: And of course, President Garfields blood type was...
(A loud mower drives by the window)
(Milo flashes back to watching a quiz show with his family)
Host: And, for the grand prize, what was president James Garfield’s blood type?
(The power to the Murphy’s house cuts out)
(Milo flashes back to him eating lunch at school. Nearby some girls play with some skipping ropes)
Cherlyn: My trivial knowledge my seem selective but James Garfields blood type was... (One of the skipping ropes break) Oh man!
Melissa: Milo! I just said this five minutes ago!
Milo: Oh yeah! O negative!
(Milo enters the answer)
Mr. Drako: And... Athledecamathalon!
(The Middlemen walk off as the Geckos cheer and crowd around Milo)
Melissa: Yeah! Woow!
(Martin and Brigette watch from the side of the field)
Martin: That’s our boy. I think we can go home now.
Brigette: You don’t want to keep looking for your trophy?
Martin: Nah. I think we have a new hero in the family.
Brigette: Awww. You’ll always be my hero.
(They share a kiss and Martin leans on a lamp post)
(They watch as it knocks over a sign that flips a bench into a tree which falls over)
Martin: Time to go home. Don’t want to rain on Milo’s parade.
(They walk off as the rest of the school come to celebrate with Milo on the oval surrounded by firetrucks, ambulances, and a news copter)